I have accomplished nothing today!
Mar. 5th, 2006 10:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
imwaldeUnless you count doing 50 million sudoku puzzles an accomplishment, I've done nothing today.
I watched a lot of Lois and Clark season 2 today, including my favorite episode ever, Tempus Fugitive. I love Lane Davies and want to have, like, 10 million of his babies.
Ok, I'm not dumb. I knew Ultraviolet wasn't going to be a good movie, but I thought it could be like The Scorpion King or Resident Evil, in the bad-but-stupidly-enjoyable category. But, alas, no. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD, like so so so so so so so so so so soul-crushingly bad. It makes no goddamn sense. There are entire chase scenes which consist solely of close-ups of Milla Jovovich. Every fight scene is the same. Bad guys circle her, weapons drawn, there's a staredown, she ducks and swooshes in a circle, and they are all dead. By the end of the movie, they aren't even showing the motherfucking fight scenes, they just cut to the end and everyone she is fighting is dead.
So, like, she's a vampire or something because there's a virus that does that but she's also inexplicably dying maybe although the other vampires aren't apparently and so she's determined to save the lab-grown kid who could be the key, but then isn't or whatever. Aaaaaaaaaaaand she kills LIKE 700 PEOPLE SERIOUSLY AND THEY NEVER EXPLAIN HOW SHE CAN DO THAT. Ok, vampire, so stronger, faster, got it, but she kills all the other vampires, too, with ease, and they never say why/how. Apparently being determined is all you need when you walk into a room filled with 40 armed guards with guns and you are wearing no armor and there's nothing even to duck behind. GOD.
And we learn that Violet miscarried, and when asked why she can't kill lab kid all she ever says is, he's a child, and seriously, Milla Jovovich must deliver that line or a variation thereof 15 times, but the villain, I am not making this up, says to her at one point, what are you projecting your feelings of loss of your own child onto this kid and using him as a surrogate? KILLKILLDIEDIEDIE. But if they barely explain, I don't know, the PLOT, they also apparently think their audience has the memory capacity of GOLDFISH because they re-explain things WE JUST WITNESSED ON THE SCREEN 20 MINUTES AGO. Ok, so, like the lab kid sees a picture of a playground in a magazine and is all, what's that, and she's all innocence is an illusion, but then later they've bonded and she takes him to a playground and they flashback to the picture in the magazine, OHMYGODWEUNDERSTANDYOUMOTHERFUCKERS,THATJUSTHAPPENED!! It's worse than episode of Highlander when some chick of Macleod's dies, and then there's a sepia-tinged slo-mo montage of their love that the audience just saw THAT EPISODE set to "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Ultraviolet is more insulting.
To quote what Tiffany said about a different bad movie - if you're thinking about seeing this movie, just hand me the $10 and I'll set it on fire in front of you.
At least I didn't pay, so that's something. Marko dragged me so he paid, fair's fair. Incidentally, Marko ended up withdrawing his offer from the scene-of-the-crime condo. There was another condo in the same complex (different building) that went up for sale, so he opted for that one instead.
I watched a lot of Lois and Clark season 2 today, including my favorite episode ever, Tempus Fugitive. I love Lane Davies and want to have, like, 10 million of his babies.
Ok, I'm not dumb. I knew Ultraviolet wasn't going to be a good movie, but I thought it could be like The Scorpion King or Resident Evil, in the bad-but-stupidly-enjoyable category. But, alas, no. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD, like so so so so so so so so so so soul-crushingly bad. It makes no goddamn sense. There are entire chase scenes which consist solely of close-ups of Milla Jovovich. Every fight scene is the same. Bad guys circle her, weapons drawn, there's a staredown, she ducks and swooshes in a circle, and they are all dead. By the end of the movie, they aren't even showing the motherfucking fight scenes, they just cut to the end and everyone she is fighting is dead.
So, like, she's a vampire or something because there's a virus that does that but she's also inexplicably dying maybe although the other vampires aren't apparently and so she's determined to save the lab-grown kid who could be the key, but then isn't or whatever. Aaaaaaaaaaaand she kills LIKE 700 PEOPLE SERIOUSLY AND THEY NEVER EXPLAIN HOW SHE CAN DO THAT. Ok, vampire, so stronger, faster, got it, but she kills all the other vampires, too, with ease, and they never say why/how. Apparently being determined is all you need when you walk into a room filled with 40 armed guards with guns and you are wearing no armor and there's nothing even to duck behind. GOD.
And we learn that Violet miscarried, and when asked why she can't kill lab kid all she ever says is, he's a child, and seriously, Milla Jovovich must deliver that line or a variation thereof 15 times, but the villain, I am not making this up, says to her at one point, what are you projecting your feelings of loss of your own child onto this kid and using him as a surrogate? KILLKILLDIEDIEDIE. But if they barely explain, I don't know, the PLOT, they also apparently think their audience has the memory capacity of GOLDFISH because they re-explain things WE JUST WITNESSED ON THE SCREEN 20 MINUTES AGO. Ok, so, like the lab kid sees a picture of a playground in a magazine and is all, what's that, and she's all innocence is an illusion, but then later they've bonded and she takes him to a playground and they flashback to the picture in the magazine, OHMYGODWEUNDERSTANDYOUMOTHERFUCKERS,THATJUSTHAPPENED!! It's worse than episode of Highlander when some chick of Macleod's dies, and then there's a sepia-tinged slo-mo montage of their love that the audience just saw THAT EPISODE set to "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Ultraviolet is more insulting.
To quote what Tiffany said about a different bad movie - if you're thinking about seeing this movie, just hand me the $10 and I'll set it on fire in front of you.
At least I didn't pay, so that's something. Marko dragged me so he paid, fair's fair. Incidentally, Marko ended up withdrawing his offer from the scene-of-the-crime condo. There was another condo in the same complex (different building) that went up for sale, so he opted for that one instead.
